Thursday, June 26, 2008

Why Men Need a Wife. . .

I just spent the absolutely laziest weekend of my life! I need serious help because my laziness cannot be stopped.

So I got back from my 2 weeks in Florida Friday night; Rachel had already left with her mom and Cannon out of town for the weekend so I was staring at a weekend by myself. “Ok, I’ll get tons of things done! Especially studying!” I thought to myself. Wrong answer. Get ready for a blow by blow of the most pathetic weekend ever.

Friday night, my mom picks me up from the airport around 8:30 pm. I tell her I have nothing to go home to so she can just take me to her house and we can watch a movie together. I go home to her house and watch 3:10 to Yuma with her and my sister. (Movie #1-great movie! I love Christian Bale and Russell Crowe).

Saturday, I wake up around 10 AM (I’m always good to get up by 10 on Saturday mornings because that’s when the 2-hour VH1 top 20 video countdown starts which I watch every Saturday) and do nothing because I’m going to a movie at 2 pm with my mom, sister, and brother. Yes, that was 4 hours away but my day was centered on it. We go to Ironman (movie #2-which was awesome by the way) and don’t get done until after 4. I stop by Lowe’s to get some fertilizer, fertilize and trim my lawn and mow the lawn of the vacant house across the street (my productivity for the weekend). I head inside for a nice night of sitting in front of the tv.
So it’s around 5:30 and I know I need to prepare my lesson for Gospel Doctrine the next day. Nah, I’ll procrastinate! I need to exercise anyway. I decide I’ll burn a few movies off my dvr list while I’m exercising. I watch About A Boy (Movie # 3-good show. I like nearly all of Hugh Grant’s movies) while exercising, so somewhat productive right? I finish exercising, finish the movie, shower, and think, “I should really prepare my lesson right now.” Nah, I’ll put on another movie! I watch Déjà Vu off the DVR (Movie #4-pretty good, Denzel Washington is always quality) and fold laundry. After it’s over it’s about 11 pm and I get down and dirty with preparing the lesson.

Sunday- the lesson went good as always. I go home teaching after church and help one of our families move some furniture (more productivity!). I come home and tell myself, “You haven’t studied a lick all weekend, get some studying done!” Nah, I hit up what was apparently Ryan Reynolds weekend on Comedy Central and watch Van Wilder (Movie #5-crude and not very funny but for some reason I sat through it anyways), Buying the Cow (Movie #6-I actually fell asleep for most of it so I don’t know if it was good or not—I assume not), and Just Friends (Movie # 7-I actually like this show and think it’s funny). Pretty intense marathon, eh? By then it’s about 9 pm or so and I should probably call it a night. But I check the DVR for any other recorded movies that I’ve been putting off (I mean-why not at this point right?) and decide to pound out The Perfect Storm (Movie # 8-George Clooney, Mark Whalberg, man crushes on both of them, what’s not to like?) to finish out the weekend of ineptitude.

I wish I could say that I was just dead tired after traveling for 2 weeks straight and I needed some type of major recuperation, but really I was just at home alone with nothing to do and no wife to get me to actually accomplish something. Good thing I’m not single, because I can certainly envision myself spending every weekend like that if I was.

Rachel got back Tuesday evening; she wasn’t even home 20 minutes before, “Ok, let’s go to Costco and get stuff for Cannon.” Back to normal, busy life. Feels good.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I love you, Beth Cooper!

So last week on my vacation I read "I Love You, Beth Cooper" by Larry Doyle, a fitting book to read as my little sister and sister-in-law just graduated from high school. Allow me to say up front that this book is HIGHLY recommended by me to laugh a ton and remember high school (and as everybody knows, I LOVE remembering high school).

Denis Cooverman is the classic nerd-geek-dweeb-valedictorian and during his graduation speech, he announces he wants to ensure he has no regrets, afterwhich he professes his undying love for Head-Cheerleader-Hottie Beth Cooper (trust me, hilarity ensues). How awesome would that type of announcement be from the podium! I remember from my graduation that Annie Smith's speech was funny, but I don't remember what it was about. Other than that, no lay-it-on-the-line announcements at my high school graduation.

Do I have any regrets over the years? I've though about this carefully over the last few days if I had any major life regrets or not. My one huge life regret is not learning to play the piano when my dad wanted me to. My parents started me at 8 and I hated it; after my dad died at 10 I think I lasted 6 more months before I convinced my mom to let me quit. Around comes high school (more remininscing!) and buddy Derek Colvin was awesome at the piano. "How long have you played?" I would ask. "Since I was 8" was of course his reply. What a gut punch.

Any other regrets? Anything I would announce from the podium if given a second chance? Oh how this eats at me! It's interesting because I can think of a lot of things I would say at the time, but now 8 years later I really wouldn't change anything. I've found that most people, even people who have had a lot of bad happen to them in life, say they wouldn't change anything of their past because that is what made them who they are today. I think about if I would say something, then I think, "But wait, would I be married to Rachel? Would I have any kids? Where would I be right now?" and since I don't want any of my present situation to change, I wouldn't want to alter anything of the past either. Crazy how that works.

Back to Beth Cooper. I want to re-read this book and I barely finished it. It reminds me of "Can't Hardly Wait" which is THEE high school/graduation movie for my age group. Basically, (SPOILER ALERT: I'm king of giving away the ending here) the nerd will go on to a successful life and the cheerleader will live the rest of her life remembering the glory of high school. Where do I fit in? I feel like life is definitely successful for me, but I definitely remember the glory of high school as well. I must be an in-between nerd (OK, full blown accountant nerd) with some level of cool (OK, full blown cool as well! You know this!)

I guess I've just been thinking about how old I am since my little sister just graduated a week ago, sending a sore reminder to me that I've been graduated for 8 years! Why do we have to get old? I'm not even old and I've already been saying that for a couple years! What will happen to me when I really get old! It is fun in my current Facebook rampage to see what people are up to and how their lives are shaping out; I can't believe how at one point in life I saw so many people every single day and now I've been years without seeing most of them. I've made new friends too, but none are as close as my friends from the good years of high school. OK, I admit, I'm still in contact with a lot more of my high school friends than the average person, but still. . .

One last story spawned from my reading of "Beth Cooper". The back of the book has a bunch of reader-submissions of embarassing moments from their teen years. I have an abundance of those types of moments, so I'll be happy to share one now.

First-Night '99

I'm downtown with Kyle Butterfield, Mike Lopez (then Mike Orellana), Trevor Kerr, and Nate Hull at First Night. We had bailed on a party at Shelbie Thorn's house to go downtown and "Get Action!" (As previously explained, that meant anything resembling a kiss from a girl) on the New Year. Midnight came and of course none of us had so much as attempted to even talk to a girl (typical night with the boys, eh?). Kyle and Trevor start talking to some girls so we leave to give them some space. They come running up a couple minutes later cheering about how they had just got kissed! This of course makes me super mad and I proclaim that I will get a kiss before the night is over.

We're walking back out of the central area and I spot a hot girl walking down the street with her friends. I promptly walk towards them, then swing around with her and the group of girls and promplty put my arm around her.

"Hey!" I say to her. I'm pretty sure she tought I was going to kidnap her or something.
"So, have YOU have a happy new year?" I ask her, meaning has she been kissed? "Yes, very happy." Was her reply.

For some reason at this point I lose it. I didn't specifically ask if she had been kissed or not, I just assumed she knew what I meant when I said that and I assumed her answer meant she had been kissed, thereby denying my implied request for a kiss. Bad move by me in retrospect.

I start fumbling my words like I do when I'm nervous and my Plan A hasn't worked out like I wanted it to. I finally stagger out, "Where do you go to high school?"
"Tooele" she responds.
"Oh! Do you go to Grantsville High?!" I ask this because 1) we played tennis against Grantsville so I was reaching for any type of connection to start a conversation and 2) I am a complete moron who didn't realize that I had just asked her where she went to high school.
"No, you idiot! I go to Tooele like I just told you!" Her scorn burned me to the third degree. I mumbled something incoherent and walked off. Nate and Mike followed in raucous laughter.

We stop on the sidewalk as all four have a good laugh. Then another girl from our school, Diana Tripodi, comes up and asks what they are all laughing at. They give a quick recap and she laughs, then follows with, "Oh! I would kiss you. . but, No!" then walks away. Scorned again to the delight of my buddies. I didn't even do anything to deserve the second blow but I took it anyways!

What a night. I will daresay that I had quite a few experiences of hitting on girls in my teen years where I was shut-down emphatically. But it's all part of growing up.

"I Love You, Beth Cooper". . . great read.

Oh yeah, I found out a few years later that Kyle and Trevor did NOT kiss those girls that night. Ha, ha, what losers :)

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Ticket to Ride!

Don't have too much bad to say about my experience these past few days at Disney World with one glaring exception: scooter rentals! Holy crap, on multiple occasions I wanted to swear at somebody (even with the thousands of kids around!) at somebody cruising through the massive crowd on a little scooter! Just like the ones at grocery stores, slow moving, loud honking, and beeping when in reverse. Disney rents them out like strollers to whoever wants to pay. It is obvious to me that they are raking in profits just from scooter rentals; these things were everywhere!

Now, if a person is disabled, old, crippled, or something reasonable I think I could understand it. The thing is, the vast majority of the people on the scooters were just fat slobs who didn't want to walk all day. Hey buddy, you NEED the excercise! I'm quite the portly fellow myself but that doesn't mean I'm driving myself around all day. I understand that for some of the bigger people it would be a long hard day to walk that much because all of our family was tired at the end of the day, too; however, people would try to take these things up narrow ramps, bust through crowds, and give you the evil-eye treatment if they think you were in the way! Um, how about you walk like everybody else and then your pace will be the same as the rest of us? They morph from not being able to keep up the pace to being too fast paced because they have this magic motor machine! Again, these are not old or disabled people, just somebody who decided it was worth it to pay the money to ride for the day.

I can't believe how lazy America is (as I eat my hostess cup cake and wash it down with some more of my McDonald's 44 oz coke!). I think I'll go exercise now.

All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi!

If you knew that line comes from the song "Institutionalized" before just reading it, kudos to you.

Hopefully big post night tonight, we'll see how I feel, but I'm sitting in a Florida hotel waiting for tomorrow to come to get my week of training over with to head back home. I've been down here for over a week already with my family on vacation and now I have to sit through a week of work before I can go home. After this week I will have spent nearly a month of 2008 in Florida! Crazy times for me.

Anyways, on to the purpose of this post. Coca-cola as many may know is the #1 word in the world. That's right, it is a word that transcends languages; basically, we're going to learn that Coca-cola is part of the Adamic language (if you don't know what that is find somebody who does) because it's already universally understood! Well, in the past 9 days or so I've been to Sea World, a Carnival Cruise, and to Disney World (with McDonald's as the exclusive fast food chain of Disney World Resorts) and all are exclusively Coca-Cola. Now, I got over the fact that I paid $30 on the cruise for my 4 days worth of 1/2 can at a time "unlimited" drinks, $7 for my Sea World "refillable at $2" souvenir cup, and $2+ depending on the kiosk and park you bought your drink at from Disney World 20 oz Cokes, can't I at least get a little variety?

Keep in mind this is coming from somebody who loves Coke. I have no problem at all with Coke, I drink it all the time and it is Rachel's absolute favorite drink, but I couldn't help but notice myself noticing a guy with a 20 oz Diet Dr. Pepper and telling Rachel, "Hey, where did he get that?" I'm a big fan of Diet DP and Pepsi as well and considering I was on a historical soda binge (I'm sure I had at least my 2,000 daily calorie intake from soda alone) I would've appreciated some varitey in the process.

What is sitting next to me as I write this post and complain? A 44 oz McDonald's Coca-Cola, in my opinion the best tasting Coke out there.

By the way, the chorus to the song I mentioned above is "I'm not crazy" :)