I mean, seriously, this is getting a little out of hand, don't you think?Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Jumping Jacks
You know how when you're in little league football and every day at practice you do jumping jacks to warm up? Those who played know what I'm talking about when I say that you can't do jumping jacks and hold in your gas at the same time; you basically rip it every time you split your legs wide for the jack. Well, today I experienced a similar experience at work, speaking of the need to rip it, not speaking of anything related to spreading my legs or doing jumping jacks; that was just a reference.
So I don't really know what came over me or what I was thinking, but I was sitting at work this afternoon and I guess I just decided I either couldn't or wasn't going to hold it in any more. I proceeded to rip a GIGANTIC, loud and proud fart, followed up by a quick toot to polish it off. As soon as I ripped it, I froze, realizing that I was NOT alone nor sitting in the comfort of my home. I was at work, in a business environment, supposedly being professional. My co-worker sitting across the table from me froze as well. He looked up with a stunned face, "Did you just. . . Did you just do that on purpose?!"
What could I say? I hesitated for the briefest of moments before acknowledging my flamboyant rip, "Yes, I did just rip that and I apologize."
He hesitated, "Hmm, So that just happened. Wow." He seemed to shrug it off after that, but I'm pretty sure he will never feel completely comfortable around me again.
I had to get up for a meeting right after that and I couldn't stop laughing. I had to bite my lip so hard it almost bled. The problem isn't that I was laughing, it's that people ask you, "Why are you laughing?" Then what? Tell them you just ripped a giant bomb in the conference room and left your coworker in there to suffer the consequences? No, you're just screwed if you get asked. Luckily, I was successful in avoiding any questions but I did get a couple weird glances as I continued to laugh/bite my lip ferociously.
So what did I learn from this experience? Apparently nothing, as I sit down 30 minutes later after my meeting and immediately proceed to rip an equally high-decible blast. It was like I was sitting on a whoopie cushion, only it wasn't a whoopie cushion and these farts were definitely the funk. My coworker didn't verbally acknowledge the flatulence but I did catch him cocking his head toward the ground in that, "What in the world is he doing!" grimace. I'm sure if not from the sound but from the putridity reaching his nostrils. The answer is, "I don't know"
So I don't really know what came over me or what I was thinking, but I was sitting at work this afternoon and I guess I just decided I either couldn't or wasn't going to hold it in any more. I proceeded to rip a GIGANTIC, loud and proud fart, followed up by a quick toot to polish it off. As soon as I ripped it, I froze, realizing that I was NOT alone nor sitting in the comfort of my home. I was at work, in a business environment, supposedly being professional. My co-worker sitting across the table from me froze as well. He looked up with a stunned face, "Did you just. . . Did you just do that on purpose?!"
What could I say? I hesitated for the briefest of moments before acknowledging my flamboyant rip, "Yes, I did just rip that and I apologize."
He hesitated, "Hmm, So that just happened. Wow." He seemed to shrug it off after that, but I'm pretty sure he will never feel completely comfortable around me again.
I had to get up for a meeting right after that and I couldn't stop laughing. I had to bite my lip so hard it almost bled. The problem isn't that I was laughing, it's that people ask you, "Why are you laughing?" Then what? Tell them you just ripped a giant bomb in the conference room and left your coworker in there to suffer the consequences? No, you're just screwed if you get asked. Luckily, I was successful in avoiding any questions but I did get a couple weird glances as I continued to laugh/bite my lip ferociously.
So what did I learn from this experience? Apparently nothing, as I sit down 30 minutes later after my meeting and immediately proceed to rip an equally high-decible blast. It was like I was sitting on a whoopie cushion, only it wasn't a whoopie cushion and these farts were definitely the funk. My coworker didn't verbally acknowledge the flatulence but I did catch him cocking his head toward the ground in that, "What in the world is he doing!" grimace. I'm sure if not from the sound but from the putridity reaching his nostrils. The answer is, "I don't know"
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Brandon Face
Rachel sent me this picture the other day with the caption, "This is a Brandon face if I've ever seen one!" I put it as the wallpaper on my cellphone and I laugh every time I open my cellphone. Too rich. I couldn't disagree as I know I pull such faces all the time. Such a shame my son has to pick up on some of my more embarrasing traits.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Belated Anniversary
So it was like 2 weeks ago but I've been completely overwhelmed by life so I haven't been able to officially recognize my 1 year anniversary of bloggins! I think it was officially on the 16th of October or around there. As of this posting I have made 63 posts which is good for an average of slightly above 1 post per week. However, I realize that I started off averaging about 1 post every couple days when I first started and I've digressed to about 1 post per month, so I'll have to pick up the pace to keep that average up. It was so simple to post when I started because I worked the graveyard shift every night. Now it's basically impossible to post at work and impossible to post at home (read: Cannon Ball) so while I have no shortage of topics I have experienced a dearth of opportunity.
So what have I learned in one year of blogging? I've learned that I love to write, especially about items that to me are frustrating or annoying. I've also learned that I'm not as prone to write about sports as I thought. I've certainly shared numerous sports posts, but I
(Sidenote: This is why I don't post as often. So this is what has happend during the 3 minutes I've tried to sneak in to actually write some of my thoughts down. Cannon has come in and pounded on the keyboard multiple times-I should have left all the insertions in my post here for proof- and then he dropped the absolute funk in his diaper. I went to change him on our bed-luckily unmade as will soon be relevant- as soon as I pulled his diaper off he pulled some 180 spin move out of my grasp and proceeded to smear poop all over our sheets and one of the pillow cases. So now I'm washing to sheets and the pillow case. I will now proceed to bang my head into the desk. Back to regularly scheduled posting)
originally thought I would breakdown every game of every sport as I am prone to do in conversation. While that has not happened, be on the lookout for a streak of Jazz/BYU posts. I've noticed that my favorite posts generally have to do with writing about my old memories growing up. As I feel this is generally a journal-type thing for me I've been pleasantly surprised at my range of topics covered. I have a stockload of things I want to write about but as noted above I'm struggling to find opportunities to sit down and write. I hope to improve, as with anything else in life. Here's to one year of blogging!
So what have I learned in one year of blogging? I've learned that I love to write, especially about items that to me are frustrating or annoying. I've also learned that I'm not as prone to write about sports as I thought. I've certainly shared numerous sports posts, but I
(Sidenote: This is why I don't post as often. So this is what has happend during the 3 minutes I've tried to sneak in to actually write some of my thoughts down. Cannon has come in and pounded on the keyboard multiple times-I should have left all the insertions in my post here for proof- and then he dropped the absolute funk in his diaper. I went to change him on our bed-luckily unmade as will soon be relevant- as soon as I pulled his diaper off he pulled some 180 spin move out of my grasp and proceeded to smear poop all over our sheets and one of the pillow cases. So now I'm washing to sheets and the pillow case. I will now proceed to bang my head into the desk. Back to regularly scheduled posting)
originally thought I would breakdown every game of every sport as I am prone to do in conversation. While that has not happened, be on the lookout for a streak of Jazz/BYU posts. I've noticed that my favorite posts generally have to do with writing about my old memories growing up. As I feel this is generally a journal-type thing for me I've been pleasantly surprised at my range of topics covered. I have a stockload of things I want to write about but as noted above I'm struggling to find opportunities to sit down and write. I hope to improve, as with anything else in life. Here's to one year of blogging!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Why the Jazz are #1
One of my favorite lines of all time is from Colorado coach Dan Hawkins, "It's Division 1 Football!!!" Love it!
How on earth could #9 (soon to be # "others receiving votes) BYU play such a crappy game tonight against TCU? I can tell you exactly why, "It's Division 1 Football!!!!" Nice article in USA Today this week about the Cougs. Apparently they practice 90 minutes a day, all coaches are home by 6:30, and they are encouraged to make sure football is #5 on their priority list. #5? I'm pretty sure Rachel would argue (and I would have to agree with her) that football is higher than #5 on MY priority list, and I don't play. It's Division 1 Football!!!!! How about you take 3 months and inch that item up a few notches. 90 minutes of practice a day? I get that much exercise throughout the day and I'm 50 pounds overweight, slow, and sit in a chair for 12 hours a day. Could I play Division 1 Football????? Home by 6:30? I haven't been home by 6:30 this year! Note to division 1 college coaches. . . IT'S DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!!! Yes! Quadruple exclamation point!
This is why BYU is second to the Jazz. The season comes down to 2 games, the first time they lose and the game against the U. Can anybody provide a single good reason for attending or watching the UNLV game next week? Does anybody care? UNLV? No, nobody cares. BYU shouldn't schedule Northern Iowa or any other cupcake to open the season, they should schedule the absolute top team available (hello Florida State this year!!!!). Win, it kicks off huge momentum for a big season. Lose, I can take 3 months off until we play the U as all other games are rendered meaningless. Might as well get the loss out of the way early.
The Jazz can potentially win a championship every year (don't give me the 1984. I was 3 years old, I don't remember it, and it would take a minimum two-year run, including a BCS WIN the first year of the two year run, to make it to the BCS Title Game, and then have to win. Hmmm, I wonder what this year was supposed to be?) I already know up front that the Jazz won't go undefeated, but they can have a very relevant season. As for BYU I'm now left screaming at the television, "It's Division 1 Football!!! Get ready!!"
Game was over when: Max Hall threw his first "should have been" interception, only the guy dropped it. Clearly this defense could lock in on the fact that he looks right at his target after the snap and stays looking at him (being Austin Collie) until he throws it to him. Easy pick!
Game was truly over when: we run a sweep on 4th and 1. Note: GREAT CALL to go for it on fourth and 1. I truly support going for it on 4th and less than 3 anytime inside the 50 no matter what the situation. TERRIBLE CALL to run a sweep when your fullback and running back are power backs, not speed-to-the-outside backs. Power it up the gut with your full line of "pro level" linemen!
Emotions are running high, maybe I'll feel better in a couple weeks, when the Jazz regular season starts up.
I hate TCU.
How on earth could #9 (soon to be # "others receiving votes) BYU play such a crappy game tonight against TCU? I can tell you exactly why, "It's Division 1 Football!!!!" Nice article in USA Today this week about the Cougs. Apparently they practice 90 minutes a day, all coaches are home by 6:30, and they are encouraged to make sure football is #5 on their priority list. #5? I'm pretty sure Rachel would argue (and I would have to agree with her) that football is higher than #5 on MY priority list, and I don't play. It's Division 1 Football!!!!! How about you take 3 months and inch that item up a few notches. 90 minutes of practice a day? I get that much exercise throughout the day and I'm 50 pounds overweight, slow, and sit in a chair for 12 hours a day. Could I play Division 1 Football????? Home by 6:30? I haven't been home by 6:30 this year! Note to division 1 college coaches. . . IT'S DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!!! Yes! Quadruple exclamation point!
This is why BYU is second to the Jazz. The season comes down to 2 games, the first time they lose and the game against the U. Can anybody provide a single good reason for attending or watching the UNLV game next week? Does anybody care? UNLV? No, nobody cares. BYU shouldn't schedule Northern Iowa or any other cupcake to open the season, they should schedule the absolute top team available (hello Florida State this year!!!!). Win, it kicks off huge momentum for a big season. Lose, I can take 3 months off until we play the U as all other games are rendered meaningless. Might as well get the loss out of the way early.
The Jazz can potentially win a championship every year (don't give me the 1984. I was 3 years old, I don't remember it, and it would take a minimum two-year run, including a BCS WIN the first year of the two year run, to make it to the BCS Title Game, and then have to win. Hmmm, I wonder what this year was supposed to be?) I already know up front that the Jazz won't go undefeated, but they can have a very relevant season. As for BYU I'm now left screaming at the television, "It's Division 1 Football!!! Get ready!!"
Game was over when: Max Hall threw his first "should have been" interception, only the guy dropped it. Clearly this defense could lock in on the fact that he looks right at his target after the snap and stays looking at him (being Austin Collie) until he throws it to him. Easy pick!
Game was truly over when: we run a sweep on 4th and 1. Note: GREAT CALL to go for it on fourth and 1. I truly support going for it on 4th and less than 3 anytime inside the 50 no matter what the situation. TERRIBLE CALL to run a sweep when your fullback and running back are power backs, not speed-to-the-outside backs. Power it up the gut with your full line of "pro level" linemen!
Emotions are running high, maybe I'll feel better in a couple weeks, when the Jazz regular season starts up.
I hate TCU.
Monday, October 13, 2008
My First Speeding Ticket!
So pissed! So pissed! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PISSSSSSED!!!! Yes! Quadruple Exclamation Point!!!!
You know how they say there are those who are sorry because they truly feel bad and they want to change and there are those who are sorry because they got caught? The "sorrow of the damned" if you will? Count me among the damned for this one.
Cruising along I-84 in Oregon on my way up to Washington (and when I say "cruising" I mean "doing my best imitation of a jet because I was flying") I get pulled over. On long drives it's hard to sit at the speed limit when all you can think about is making good time. I had to make up time becuase of an hour snow delay way back in Brigham City so you can imagine what I was doing to make "good time". I'm usually pretty vigilant about looking out for radar patrolmen, but on I-84 in Oregon it is pitch black with no highway lights anywhere. Oh yeah, one other thing, the speed limit is 65 all throughout Oregon, even if you're on a 5 mile straightaway in the middle of nowhere with about 2 other cars in sight.
So I'm flying along and I pass a police car. I know I'm done. No way to hide it, no way to put on the breaks and slow down to even remotely close to the speed limit. Flat out, red-handed in-the-cookie-jar caught. I generally go about 5-10 over as most people do, enough that if I was within distance of a police car I could simply let off the gas and be within range; but on this night as I was an hour behind on a 9-hour drive I let the lead foot get the best of me.
The officer was nice about it, marked me at 85 instead of my true, faster, not-to-be-acknowledged speed, so because of his "break" (and I say that meaningfully as he noted to me that without his "break" the ticket would have run upwards of at least an additional $200) the ticket is "only" $255. I had no idea tickets were so expensive. Good thing I had the seat belt on or it would've been another $100.
Yes, no need to ask, my wife was furious. She doesn't like me doing these long drives anyway. I'm officially in the doghouse this week and I'm not even home to do anything.
But I do have some good news. . . I just saved a buttload of cash on my car insurance! Ha ha ha! Seriously though, I just switched to Progressive 3 days ago and saved like $250! I'm sure all of that savings will swiftly revert back to no savings after my ticket is tacked on the record for my next quote in 6 months, but still, plug for Progressive.
I hate Oregon.
Postscript:
Thanks to my cousin Brad for his comment as he reminded me of the other thing I hate about Oregon. You can't fill your own gas! That is the most idiotic thing I've ever seen in my life! I've filled up once in Oregon, and I will never fill up in Oregon again! I now fill up right on the edge of Idaho and right on the edge of Washington coming back. I pull in right before Washington one night and the lady basically attacks my window! She tells me in Oregon I can't fill my own gas, even though I try to get her to let me five times. What type of morons in the state legislature thought up, "Hmmm, what can we do to make a good news story about creating more jobs but actually add nothing of value to society? I know, make a law that somebody else has to fill up your gas! Thereby creating more jobs!" Stupid.
I hate Oregon.
You know how they say there are those who are sorry because they truly feel bad and they want to change and there are those who are sorry because they got caught? The "sorrow of the damned" if you will? Count me among the damned for this one.
Cruising along I-84 in Oregon on my way up to Washington (and when I say "cruising" I mean "doing my best imitation of a jet because I was flying") I get pulled over. On long drives it's hard to sit at the speed limit when all you can think about is making good time. I had to make up time becuase of an hour snow delay way back in Brigham City so you can imagine what I was doing to make "good time". I'm usually pretty vigilant about looking out for radar patrolmen, but on I-84 in Oregon it is pitch black with no highway lights anywhere. Oh yeah, one other thing, the speed limit is 65 all throughout Oregon, even if you're on a 5 mile straightaway in the middle of nowhere with about 2 other cars in sight.
So I'm flying along and I pass a police car. I know I'm done. No way to hide it, no way to put on the breaks and slow down to even remotely close to the speed limit. Flat out, red-handed in-the-cookie-jar caught. I generally go about 5-10 over as most people do, enough that if I was within distance of a police car I could simply let off the gas and be within range; but on this night as I was an hour behind on a 9-hour drive I let the lead foot get the best of me.
The officer was nice about it, marked me at 85 instead of my true, faster, not-to-be-acknowledged speed, so because of his "break" (and I say that meaningfully as he noted to me that without his "break" the ticket would have run upwards of at least an additional $200) the ticket is "only" $255. I had no idea tickets were so expensive. Good thing I had the seat belt on or it would've been another $100.
Yes, no need to ask, my wife was furious. She doesn't like me doing these long drives anyway. I'm officially in the doghouse this week and I'm not even home to do anything.
But I do have some good news. . . I just saved a buttload of cash on my car insurance! Ha ha ha! Seriously though, I just switched to Progressive 3 days ago and saved like $250! I'm sure all of that savings will swiftly revert back to no savings after my ticket is tacked on the record for my next quote in 6 months, but still, plug for Progressive.
I hate Oregon.
Postscript:
Thanks to my cousin Brad for his comment as he reminded me of the other thing I hate about Oregon. You can't fill your own gas! That is the most idiotic thing I've ever seen in my life! I've filled up once in Oregon, and I will never fill up in Oregon again! I now fill up right on the edge of Idaho and right on the edge of Washington coming back. I pull in right before Washington one night and the lady basically attacks my window! She tells me in Oregon I can't fill my own gas, even though I try to get her to let me five times. What type of morons in the state legislature thought up, "Hmmm, what can we do to make a good news story about creating more jobs but actually add nothing of value to society? I know, make a law that somebody else has to fill up your gas! Thereby creating more jobs!" Stupid.
I hate Oregon.
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