12th Man

So I wrote a letter to Tim Buckley of the Deseret News a few years ago. . . my buddies reminded me of it last night. I of course still have it saved in my old emails. I want to note to Kevin O'Connor that while I'm a few years older (and much fatter) at this point, the offer still stands:

Mr. Buckley,
I would kindly like to request information on how to submit my name into the NBA Draft. Upon looking at the state of the NBA, I have decided that I am what the NBA and our Utah Jazz needs. I can provide multiple reasons to prove my worthiness for a coveted spot on the Jazz roster next year and beyond. I would like to advise that the Jazz should NOT use their 14th or 16th pick on me, and even might consider trading down from their 21st pick to the 29th. My aim is to replace Karl Malone as the biggest steal in draft history.
Now I’m sure you are certainly questioning my credentials for this position, and I am fully prepared to answer any and all. First allow me to explain the benefits I will provide to this team and this league.
1-Youth.I am aware that I’m not NBA ready yet, but who in this draft is? It’s all a crapshoot. Since none of the players coming out in this draft are expected to perform for 3 years, I would like to have the same opportunity! An article about Dwight Howard on espn.com the other day mentioned that practice ends at noon. Noon! Over three years, I can guarantee I will put in the extra hours necessary to become a top player in the league.
2-Money. Shaq will make $30 million in one year! My entire apartment complex won’t make that amount collectively in their lives. The Jazz will benefit from my extremely low contract demands. I will not use an agent and will play for the absolute league minimum for my first 3 years. It will be a struggle to get by on the 6 figure salary, but I’m sure I can tough it out for 3 years. After I become a star and am ready to adjust my contract, I will still play for an amount that will be ridiculously below my value in order to allow my beloved Jazz to sign other prominent players in the league so that we can collectively compete for a championship.
3-A big draw (in multiple ways). A) I am a homegrown Utah boy! I’ve lived here all of my life (except for the normal 2 year trip away from home that every other boy in Utah takes). I absolutely love Utah and would never leave, so the Jazz will feel complete security with my desires to stay even after I’ve become a star. I will be a fan favorite as well since I’m truly local (unlike adopted Utah son Rafael Araujo). Also, Mr. Miller could make a reality series out of my experience and put it on KJZZ. It will draw monster ratings! B) I will fulfill Larry Bird’s request to have more star white players in the league. Why? Well, because I’m white! C) I am an exciting player. I will be the second coming of Charles Barkley. Not in the “I’m a big jerk who doesn’t practice” type of way, but in the “I am a very fan interactive player” type of way. One who will be willing to stick around to sign autographs and give plenty of time to the media (you specifically Mr. Buckley). In fact, I already have a cool nickname, “The Balltrain.” I’ve had it for years. Just imagine Hot Rod on the broadcast, “The Balltrain hipity-hops left, drives in baseline side, pulls up for the leap ‘n leaner…good! The Balltrain hits again.” D)Last but not least, I’m a family man. I’m already married (like all other 22 year old boys in Utah) so Jerry, Larry, and Kevin won’t have to worry about me out partying all night.
4-Work Ethic. Brad Rock recently said Karl Malone’s work ethic was questioned when drafted. Can anyone question mine? Given time (read 3 years) I will truly become a productive NBA player.
Please advise Mr. O’Connor of my intention. He can contact me anytime by email: balltrain@hotmail.com. Or by phone (I’m in the book.) Thank you for your consideration. Brandon Ball

Honestly, just rereading that I realized we used the 14th pick on Kris Humphries (barely still in the NBA and definitely a waste for the Jazz), the 16th pick on Kirk Snyder (a HUGE waste for the Jazz and is now in prison) and the 21st pick on Pavel Podkolzine who they immediately traded to the Mavs and who never played in the NBA (he was like 7'6" but I watched him in summer league that year and he was arguably the most uncoordinated person I've ever seen). You can't tell me a certain Balltrain wouldn't have panned out at least on par with these guys? Just food for thought when the draft comes up this year!